Something Different
Star Trek Top X Lists
Ten Best pickup lines of James T Kirk courtesy of Entertainment Weekly
10. Do you come to this planet often?
9. You have the most eyes I've ever seen.
8. Would you like to come up and see my dilithium crystals sometime?
7. Want to sit in the captain's chair? I can get you onto the bridge.
6. What's the matter? Have a force field around you or something?
5. Didn't we meet at Ponn farr seven years ago?
4. Is that a shuttlecraft in your bikini, or are you just glad to see me?
3. You really know how to activate my tractor beam!
2. What's a nice energy pattern like you doing in a quadrant like this?
1. Hey,nice Tribbles!
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The top 10 signs you're at a Bad Trek convention
10. It's being held in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven.
9. When you count the fake Spock ears in the room, you have an odd
number.
8. Ben & Jerry's unveils a weird-tasting new flavor called "Roddenberry"
7. Dorks with "Moe" haircuts keep wandering in from the 3 stooges
convention down the hall.
6. So called starship Enterprise looks a lot like an RV wrapped in paper
mache.
5. By the time you get there,they've already run out of "spockwiches"
4. The keynote speaker is William Shatner's hairpiece.
3. The hookers all look like Klingons.
2. You keep running into a guy who wants to show you his "phaser"
1. Someone yells," Beam me up, Skippy!"
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The Top Ten ways to get rid of Wesley on Star Trek: The Next
Generation:
10: After slugging down six Shirley Temple's in 10-forward, Wes
stumbles to the holodeck, which he commands to "take me to hell."
His broken body is later found on the empty holodeck in a pool of
vomit.
9: Wesley gets gang-raped by a group of female Klingons.
8: Riker gets carried away executing an order from Picard to "knock
the little snot around a bit."
7: Data catches him tossing off. Uncomprehending, he requires a
detailed explanation from Wesley, who dies of embarrassment.
6: Extensive lab analysis of a green slime found on one of the
control panels uncovers the fact that our favorite ensign has,
once again, been picking his nose. He is summarily fired.
5: Wes gets gang-raped by a group of male Klingons.
4: On an earlier episode, Wes got to kiss a girl who turned into a
Chewbacca-like creature. Here, she returns, and they once again
get involved. (Un)fortunately, once she gets really heated, she
mutates back into a wookie and forces Wesley to be her cringing
sex slave. She then tears him limb from limb and eats him.
3: In a rare episode involving characters from both ST and ST:TNG,
Spock attempts a Vulcan mind-meld with Weasley. Spock barely
survives, spending the next several days scratching himself and
whining.
2: Worf notices a Romulan ship on the scanners, and sends Wesley down
to clean out the photon tubes. Later, someone makes a comment
about the needs of the many having outweighed the needs of the
few.
1: Wes gets involved in a deviant sexual practice known as "tribble
stuffing," not realizing that tribbles multiply _anywhere_. Even
an emergency laser enema by Dr. Crusher fails to save him.
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Top Ten Ways To Get Promoted On Star Trek
10. Steer the ship (hey, it worked for Geordie and Wesley!)
9. Don't go down on the planet with Kirk if you're wearing a red shirt.
8. Occupy any position but Chief of Security (Worf's been doing it for
six years and he's still only a lieutenant)
7. Cleavage is good.
6. Tell Picard you think bald men in power are sexy.
5. Don't tell Kirk you think that bald men in power are sexy.
4. Kill off higher ranking officers and all other people in line for the
position you'd like.
3. Seize control of the first officer's mind (or the captain's) and take
over the ship.
2. Sleep with Riker.
1. Sleep with Kirk.
By: pajunen@thunderbird.auc.laurentian.ca AND
mccarthy@thunderbird.au.laurentian.ca
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The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a trible.
8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the Enterprise.
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon and torture you for information.
6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
3) You have no life.
2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you calculated for the planet Vulcan.
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TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
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TOP 20 USES FOR DATA'S DETACHED HEAD
20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintenance crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboretum
13. Footstool for Captain's chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in Picard's fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead" in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academy to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
and the number one use for Data's detached head...
1. Prove to insurance company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy
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SUREFIRE SIGNS THAT STAR TREK IS TAKING OVER YOUR LIFE:
1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium and tritanium.
3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without excessive thought first
4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
5. Have figured out the stardate system
6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The Omega Glory"
10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
14. Understanding Klingon
15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and dramatic stylistics
18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects sequences in ST:TMP
19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
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**20 Things that never happen in Star Trek**
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
21. The Enterprise is waylaid by a couple of $7.99 surplus Klingon cruisers, but the superior firepower of federation phasers blows them into bits too small to find on the first shot.
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The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard...enjoy
10. ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying "I could have had a V-8!"
9. yelling "Punchbuggy!" and hitting Riker's arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
8. screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7. spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
6. lecturing everybody on why it's rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
5. sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
4. asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her "a REAL Picard Maneuver"
3. Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking "Are those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?"
2. telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, "Go ahead, Make it so"
1. putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up
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Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self- destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!